Discussing birds and bees: Start when your kids are very young
from mayoclinic.com
Many parents dread talking to their children about the birds and the bees. They often make the mistake of putting off "the big talk" until their child is a teenager, when they suddenly notice that their son or daughter is already grappling with or making difficult decisions independently. When your children are teenagers, topics like academic performance and fashion choices can be hard enough to raise, but sex? Now there's a challenge.
Begin talking to your children about sexual matters when they are very young. This will help establish sex as an acceptable topic of conversation, teach your children that you are available to help with sexual issues and establish a comfort level — for both of you — with the topic.
Talking with your children about sex can help prepare them to make healthy decisions. Studies have demonstrated that children who learn about sex from their parents are less likely to have sex before marriage than children who learn about sex from their friends.
"It's very important to make yourself a sexual information resource for your children," says Patricia Simmons, M.D., a pediatrician at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "Always be prepared, from the beginning, to address their questions about sex. You may not always have the answer, but you should always respond to their questions. Feel free to say, 'Good question! I don't have the answer right now, but I'll find it.' When a child catches you off guard with a difficult question, you can say, 'Thank you for asking me. That's a very private question, and I'll have to think about my answer, but I promise I'll get back to you.' And get back to them!"
While your child is growing up, make an effort to gear your advice on sexual matters to your child's current phase of intellectual, psychosocial and moral development. The younger your child, the simpler the advice.
Sexuality in your preschool child
Your preschool child has a natural sexual curiosity that manifests itself in various ways. By their first birthday, one-third of all children have been observed stimulating their genitals — boys typically pull at their penises, and girls rub their external genitalia. Between the ages of 2 and 5, one-half of all boys and one-third of all girls masturbate.
Occasional masturbation is normal and nothing to worry about. The child stimulates himself or herself simply because it feels good. Some children masturbate because they are bored, unhappy or are reacting to punishment intended to stop the practice.
If your child masturbates, try not to get upset. Masturbation does not mean your child will grow up to be promiscuous or perpetrate sexual abuse. It is not physically harmful, nor does it cause emotional problems unless you overreact, sending the message that sex is dirty, harmful or frightening.
Because it's difficult to stop a child from masturbating, it's best to focus on privacy issues. Explain to your child that it's all right to masturbate privately in the bedroom, but other areas are off limits. If your child suddenly starts masturbating in the middle of a play group, try to distract him or her. If that fails, take your child aside and remind him or her that this is done only in the privacy of the bedroom or bathroom.
In addition to self-stimulation, many preschoolers are curious about others' bodies. Young children may want to touch their mother's breasts or father's penis. Another child may be found half-undressed, playing doctor with the child next door. Curiosity and lack of understanding of social taboos are usually the reasons for such activity.
These situations are normal. Avoid showing shock or anger. Explain that just as others shouldn't be sexually touching them, they shouldn't be sexually touching others. Stress that it's OK for your child to touch himself or herself in private, but it's not OK for others, even friends, to touch him or her that way except in special circumstances, such as a doctor's examination. Point out that this is true for adults as well as for children.
"When your child is preschool age, you probably won't be giving him or her lectures about sex," Dr. Simmons says. "But sex education should still start early, through your responses to their questions and behaviors."
Sexuality in your early school-age child
Through the early school-age years, your child will continue to define his or her sexuality. This process is a vital part of your child's larger task of discovering and deciding who he or she is. Your child may also make his or her first attempts to explore sexual activity while in grade school. As a result, this is a good age for sex education, if you haven't already started it.
During the early school-age years, most children still occasionally play with their own genitalia, as they did in infancy and the preschool years. The onset of puberty provides a good opportunity to educate your child about sexual development, whether or not you have already done so. You can help prepare your child for the cascade of changes that his or her body will go through during the next few years. The goal is for your child to welcome these changes without shame or anxiety that they are occurring too quickly or too slowly.
Don't worry if your child starts puberty a little earlier or later than his or her peers — this is normal. However, your child may feel awkward and self-conscious about diverging from average. Be sensitive to such concerns. At the same time, reassure your child that he or she is fine. It may help to stress that every child, including your child and each of his or her peers, is traveling along the same road toward adulthood and that everyone takes a different amount of time to arrive. If your child is a lot earlier or later than peers in puberty, he or she should be seen by a doctor.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that before they reach their early teens, children should know:
The names and functions of male and female sex organs
What happens during puberty and understand that those changes signify moving into young womanhood or young manhood
The nature and purpose of the menstrual cycle
What sexual intercourse is and how females become pregnant
Teenage sexuality
Parents often feel perplexed and even threatened by their teenager's emerging sexuality. If you are the parent of a teenager, it's best for everyone if you can come to terms with your child's sexuality, show your trust and give your son or daughter any advice needed.
Your child may receive education about sex, family life and sexually transmitted diseases at school. But don't rely on the school to explain all of the complexities of sexual relationships that you want your child to know. No matter how awkward it may be for you, you have a responsibility to see that your child learns the facts of life. If you are unsure how to present the facts, it may help to consult a book or suggest one to your child to read. You can also ask your doctor or other trusted individuals for help.
If you are like most parents, you want your child to delay the start of sexual activity until after he or she has reached an adequate level of emotional maturity. This is a sensible goal. Unfortunately it is not always achieved. If your adolescent becomes sexually active, denying or ignoring that fact will not resolve the conflict you may have with the situation.
Well before your child begins sexual activity, he or she needs your support and assistance in understanding sexual feelings, defining sexual behavior and learning to respect not only himself or herself but others, as well. Respond honestly and in a straightforward manner to your child's spontaneous questions. If your child never asks any sex-related questions, do not assume he or she is not interested. Bring up the subject when the opportunity presents itself.
Don't rely on scare tactics in discussing sexual behavior with your teenager. Doing so puts your child at risk of having insufficient knowledge about sexual situations. A purely negative approach may be less likely to discourage a teenager from embarking on a sexual relationship than providing a basic understanding and perspective from which to make sensible and responsible decisions on sexual matters. In addition, scare tactics may cut you off as a future source of information.
Discuss contraception and sexually transmitted diseases frankly. Be sure your child understands your feelings as he or she works to form personal attitudes on abortion, contraception and teenage pregnancy.
Teach your child about the dangers of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. The risk factors for these diseases include sexual activity, especially promiscuity, early initiation of sexual intercourse, prostitution, male homosexual activity, and sharing needles or syringes to inject drugs. If your adolescent is already sexually active, stress the risk of sexual exposure to people known or suspected to be infected with sexually transmissible diseases, including the AIDS virus. Explain that the risk of infection is increased by sexual contact with many partners or with a person who has had multiple partners.
To protect your adolescent from AIDS, other sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, discourage your adolescent from becoming sexually active until he or she is more mature. Stress that when your child does become sexually active, the regular use of condoms can reduce the risk of acquiring AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases as well as help prevent pregnancy.
The use of drugs and alcohol can disrupt the process by which your teenager develops a secure sexual identity. They can mar judgment and diminish self-control. The most effective way to discourage your teenager from abusing drugs and alcohol is to gear your message to his or her level of intellectual and moral development. Particularly in early and middle adolescence, your child may be less impressed by the long-term health risks of these substances than by their immediate social consequences. Even more important than delivering an anti-substance abuse message is to set a good example through your own lifestyle. Be a role model.
"Sexuality is a wonderful aspect of many adult relationships," says Robert V. Johnson, M.D., a pediatrician at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "Most parents want their children to develop healthy sexuality as they mature. Sexuality as portrayed in the media may involve casual relationships, unusual sexual acts and even violence. Children should know that, especially in a monogamous, long-term relationship, sexual relations are a beautiful expression of mutual love and trust. Despite what the media suggest, sexual behaviors don't need to be learned and experienced before marriage or a long-term relationship."
According to the AAP, when your child becomes a teenager, the focus of your talks about sex should shift toward the social and emotional aspects of sex and to personal values. Even if you think your values are old-fashioned by today's standards, share them with your children. It will help them establish their own value system — even if it turns out to be different from your own.
The AAP recommends discussing the following with your teenage children:
Questions related to dating, such as, "When should I start dating?" "How will I know when I'm ready to have sex?" "Won't having sex help me keep my boyfriend (or girlfriend)?"
The option of waiting to have sex. Help your teenager understand that many teens decide to wait.
Date rape. Date rape happens when someone your teenager knows forces him or her to have sex. Impress upon your child that no always means no. Let your child know that avoiding alcohol and drugs helps make date rape less likely to happen.
Heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. Many young people wonder at some point whether they're gay or bisexual. Help your child understand that it's normal to have crushes on members of the same sex, and that doesn't mean he or she is gay or bisexual. Stress that if your teen is gay or bisexual, you won't reject him or her.
If you are uncomfortable talking about sex with your teenager — and many parents are — say so. Tell your child that talking about sex may not be easy for you, but you think it's important for him or her to get information about sexual matters from you.
It's helpful for both parents or a close friend to be involved in discussing ways to talk to their child about sex. You can compare notes about your child's readiness and knowledge. You can even rehearse discussions of difficult topics. This might make you more comfortable when you discuss the issues with your child.
Your teen may be embarrassed and silent when you raise the topic. Say what you have to say anyway — your teen will hear it, and it will likely help.
"If you wait until 'just the right time,' you'll miss the best opportunities," Dr. Johnson says. "Don't think in terms of having a single birds and the bees talk with your child — they need your guidance in many ways over the years. Events as commonplace as reading an item in the news or viewing a TV show or movie can serve as a comfortable way to ask your child's views and to share your mature guidance."